Writing is an outlet for me. I get so caught up in my thoughts that it’s hard to say out loud how I’m feeling. But even writing is sometimes hard for me when it’s about myself.
On Feb. 14, I published one of the most vulnerable stories about me and my journey with suicide. I will never regret writing it and putting it out in the world, but I think I expected things to change.
Deep down I was hoping that after I told people my story, I’d feel better, I’d get better, my mental illnesses would settle down.
But that wasn’t the case.
My life has changed a lot since then. I graduated with my associate's degree from Hutchinson Community College, Coronavirus hit the world, my Disney job was canceled due to COVID-19, I started working on my bachelor’s at Wichita State University, moved into my own apartment, and am now living on my own.
As expected, my mental health has taken a toll. I’m still being medicated and still attending therapy, but both of those have changed in the last seven months. A higher dosage to help with the added stress, and I’ve transferred therapists twice since graduating.
I’m not going to lie, It’s been hard. I’ve been struggling a lot more lately. I don’t know if I’m still adjusting to living alone and going to a different school, or if it’s just my brain being a pain, but sometimes I’m not doing okay.
Recently I’ve noticed that people are more worried about me than usual. Which, please understand, I appreciate your love, but sometimes, I just need to figure it out.
I don’t know why I’m sad right now. I don’t know why one minute I’m fine, and then the other minute I want to disappear. I don’t know why I say I’m fine when I’m really crying inside. But right now, that’s all I know how to do.
So forgive me, if you’re seeing a different person than before. I’m trying to figure myself out too.
It’s hard to grow into who I really am when dealing with mental illnesses and also trying to be what others want me to be.
I’m thankful for my family and friends who have been there and are checking up on me. Just know that if I seem a little off, or I’m not telling you exactly how I feel, it doesn’t mean I’m not okay. It just means that I’m still confused on how I feel and I haven’t figured out how to process it.
I hide from my feelings a lot from my own self. I use distractions to help me be happy, but in reality, all it does is postpone my feelings.
So I’m sorry if I’m not who you wanted me to be. I’m sorry that I’m not mentally stable. I’m sorry that I am who I am.
I’m here. I’m figuring things out. I will be okay.